If you are a federal worker with a
potential for nationwide deployment that could exceed more than just a few weeks
of family separation, the following information, modified from a Department of
Defense advisory document, could aid in making a family separation more
manageable.
Preparation
Too often, family members deny the possibility of duty separation, and pretend
it is not going to happen. This denial can be emotionally harmful. Once
separation occurs, they are likely to find themselves unprepared. It is much
healthier for families to face issues directly and become better prepared to
positively address the lifestyle changes brought about by separation. Adequate
preparation for all family members is the key to minimizing the problems that
will inevitably arise during a separation. Sometimes families avoid talking
about things that bother or worry them. They are afraid that talking about
things will make matters worse. In reality, open discussion provides family
members the opportunity to clarify potential misunderstandings, get a better
idea of what is expected, work out solutions to identified problems, and to
better prepare themselves for the coming separation.
Control
Having a sense of control over events is a significant moderator of the stress
associated with separation. We all desire some sense of control even in the face
of uncontrollable situations. Feeling that you have no control over a situation
can lead to characteristics of learned helplessness. The perception of even some
control can be enough to lessen most negative responses and become a base for
building positive coping behaviors. An individual’s appraisal of upcoming events
as being highly stressful or undesirable but manageable will significantly influence his or her coping level. That appraisal is related to the degree to which
individuals feel that they have adequate knowledge, coping skills, social
support, and some control over future events. Preparation for coming events,
especially undesirable events, can greatly alter a person’s attitude. Therefore,
the importance of education and preparation cannot be overstated. To be
forewarned is to be forearmed.
Parents
Single parents and dual career couples face the same reality. They may
experience even greater stress and responsibility during preparation for the
separation. No other "parent" remains at home, and therefore, separation takes
on an increasingly stressful dimension.
Ready "To Part"
There is a difference between being ready "to go" and ready
"to part." Being
ready "to go" means having your suitcase packed, all shots up to date, and/or
other duty-essential preparations completed. Being ready "to part" from your
spouse and/or other family members means being aware of the personal and family
issues related to separation, and being prepared to deal as constructively as
possible with those issues.
Plan Ahead
This is one of the keys to a successful family separation. There are many things
you can do before you leave that will prevent your spouse from feeling that he
or she has to handle it all alone, and you from worrying about all the things
left undone.
- Spend an evening with your spouse to discuss the assignment or deployment, how
both of you feel, what you worry about, how to handle emergencies, how to solve
problems, and what you think needs to be done around the house to get things
together.
- Have a "show-and-tell" day. Ask your spouse to show you how to do the chores
that you do not usually do, whether it is checking the oil in the car or doing
the laundry. Learn these things BEFORE your spouse departs on an assignment or
deployment.
- Before departing, make sure the remaining spouse is the one with the keys and
checkbook.
So much depends on your advance preparation. The more you can learn and
accomplish before the family separation, the more confident both of you will be
when the parting time comes.
This material is adapted from the "Predeployment Guide: A Tool for Coping" on the Air Force
Crossroads Web site.
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NMH06-0234
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